Random Thoughts

Healing, humility, and a happy new year

Thu, 05 Jan 2012 18:39:19 -0500

Wow I can’t believe the last time I posted I posted was over 4 months ago. That’s 1/3 of a year. Work has been crazy and time has been flying, not to mention taking care of 150 high school students everyday.

However, recently, I have been struggling mightily, especially with all the problems going on at home. I moved back home this past July to live with my parents and let’s just say things haven’t turned out the way that I had hoped. A lot of financial problems and really no one to help with it. It’s been a constant burden on me and it’s been continually frustrating me. Every time I think it can’t get worse, it in fact does get worse. Every time I think I have the problem solved, it doesn’t work out. Every time I think everything’s going to be okay, something else comes up.

The past couple of weeks made me realize something important. I am very very weak. I can’t do this on my own. It’s very humbling to know that you can’t fix something that’s right before your eyes everyday. As much as I would love to have everything solved, I know realistically, that probably won’t happen. I become very frustrated with God. I become very angry towards Him. I have almost every emotion imaginable going through me. And yet, when my world is crashing down, there’s really only one thing I can do: Go back to God. Not rely on myself, but trust that God has my back. It’s much easier said than done and I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve wanted to just give up. I’ve wanted to give up and just be by myself. It felt as if God had abandoned me.

However, no matter how hard I try to give up, something tells me to keep on doing what I’m doing. To keep working really long hours at work, to keep supporting my parents, to keep going even when everything else has fallen. And well that’s the wonder of it all: Even when we ourselves believe we are incapable, God knows what our true potential is. He knows how much we can handle. He knows us better than we know ourselves. For some reason, I can’t give up. God is not letting me give up. I’ve been scarred, frustrated, angered, lied to, and broken-hearted, but God won’t let me quit.

God may not provide us with what we want, but He will give us exactly what we need. He gives me His strength, peace, and comfort in the darkest of times. While the pain is still there, I have to trust that God knows what He’s doing. As Humans, it’s natural to think that we can take care of everything, but in my situation, I can’t. I know I can’t. I have to give it up to God. He needs to be the one who takes my burden away rather than me putting it all on myself. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, but I’m hoping 2012 will be much better than 2011. There’s a lot of hurt, but that’s why God’s healing is like no other: This song really spoke to me. Maybe it’ll speak to you.

“No mountain, no valley, no gain or loss we know
could keep us from Your love
No sickness, no secret, no chain is strong enough
to keep us from Your love
to keep us from Your love

How high, how wide
No matter where I am, healing is in Your hands
How deep, How strong,
And now by Your grace I stand, healing is in Your hands

Our present, our future, our past is in Your hands
We’re covered by Your blood
We’re covered by Your blood

How high, How wide
no matter where I am, healing is in Your hands
How deep, How strong
And now by Your grace I stand, healing is in Your hands

In all things, we know that.
We are more than conquerors.
You keep us by your love.

You keep us by your love.

How High and how wide. No matter where I am, healing is in your hands. How deep and how strong. Now by your grace I stand, healing is in your hands. In all things we know that we are more than conquerors. You keep us by your love.

We are truly more than conquerors, not by our own strength or will, but by God’s.

Knowing You

Tue, 16 Aug 2011 09:09:00 -0400

It’s amazing how an old song can really bring the comfort that you need. I don’t even know how old this song is, but this song that I’ve been listening you has really reminded me of what’s important in this life: Knowing God. No matter the trials and sufferings we go through, we can take comfort in knowing the person who cares for us more than we could ever know. And that alone should bring us the joy and peace that we need. That’s not to say it won’t come with struggles and frustrations, but in the end, we’ll get through it. Maybe the reason we go through all that we do is to know God in a deeper way. In the end, what’s better than knowing our God for who He really is!!

“All I once held dear, built my life upon,

All this world reveres and wars to own;
All I once thought gain I have counted loss,
Spent and worthless now compared to this.

Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You
There is no greater thing.
You're my all, You're the best,
You're my joy, my righteousness,
And I love You Lord.

Now my heart's desire is to know You more,
To be found in You and know as Yours,
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All surpassing gift of righteousness

Oh to know the power of Your risen life,
And to know You in Your sufferings;
To become like You in Your death, my Lord,
So with You to live and never die."

I need to remember:

Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You
There is no greater thing.
You're my all, You're the best,
You're my joy, my righteousness,
And I love You Lord.

Kindness

Sun, 14 Aug 2011 01:21:50 -0400

I realized I havent posted for a while due to the fact that I’ve been quite busy with work and all the other things going on in my life. To be honest, life has been a little bit stressful with a lot of the things I had to worry about. However, I’ve began to realize a couple of things: I realize that when I am at my lowest, God is there with me. I also began to realize how weak my faith really is. Finally, I realize how without God in my life, I wouldn’t be nearly the person I am now.

Honestly, if it weren’t for God’s love and kindness, I wouldn’t be able to get through everything. There’s so much to learn:

Paraphrased from 1 Peter 4:12-16

“Friends, when life gets really difficult, don’t jump to the conclusion that God isn’t on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner. If you’re abused because of Christ, count yourself fortunate. It’s the Spirit of God and his glory in you that brought you to the notice of others.”

Life doesn’t always go smoothly. Whether it’s because of our own sin or the sins of others, we are pretty much guaranteed to eventually fal into some kind of pit. Does that mean God is not good or kind to us? Certainly not!! We have this overwhelming desire to be comfortable all the time, but the Lord knows we won’t grow that way. We need to be tossed around a little and often times brought to our knees. Sometimes that comes about in the form ridicule. We are following God and using our gifts and then, bam, someone trues to shoot us down. We say, God why did you let that happen to me when I’m trying to follow You? Later, we look back and realize that the Lord gave us wisdom and power through suffering that we couldn’t have gotten any other way.

Suffering is the ultimate way we can grow and we have to remember that it’s a blessing to have those trials in our lives. It’ll be hard and there’ll be a lot of moments where we may feel hopeless, but knowing that God is with you always makes all the difference. Without that, I wouldn’t be in the place that I’m at now. Remember, God knows what’s best for you. We just have to trust, no matter how hard that is. Even though all hope may seem loss, we have to keep the perseverance and the hope that God will deliver us from it all. And for all those times that cause me stress, that’s when I need God’s peace the most. The funny thing about it: It’s beyond anything that we can understand, but it’ll guard our hearts and mind.

I also realized I need a lot more patience, and I don’t mean just waiting.

“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.”

Peace

Wed, 27 Jul 2011 00:57:06 -0400

I always wonder sometimes why I overthink so much. Even though I’ve been so blessed in my life, why is it that I only think about the things that are going awry? Why am I only thinking about the worse cast senario? Why is it that I can’t trust and have that peace? Why do I constantly go back to this shell where I need to trust only in me and not in God? Why does it at times that all this stress comes about?

And then I realize that I’m not trusting and trying to rely on myself and the solutions that the world can offer. I realize that I really need to pray and humble myself before God because the fact of the matter is I can’t do this on my own. I need to remember this.

(paraphrased from Philippians 4:4-7)

“Celebrate God all day, every day. I mea, revel in Him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you’re on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute. Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.”

” With all the struggles I am forced to deal with on a daily basis, it is comforting to know that the Holy Spirit’s power and love has the ability to bring me peace. I have to admit, though, that I don’t always put my trust where I should. Time and time again I must remind myself that He is in control and that He is the only One who can set me free from my worries and anguish.

When did life become so overwhelming? Why have I struggled with finding peace in God?

Life with the Holy Spirit is a blessing I don’t deserve. I need to celebrate that every day I am alive. I don’t want my worries and negativity to shape the person I am now and the person I will become. I want God to mold me into the person He intended me to be when I was created. Even though there will be moments of weakness when worry will engulf my thoughts, I long to live in His strength and His peace. When life appears hopeless, I know I must give everything I am to my Maker.”

I pray that I would be able to find peace with God. My worrying will not change God’s plans for my life. May I accept Jesus’ open arms and move close to HIm so He can hold me. I pray that I would never feel along with God and that I would give my father His due honor.

Hold On

Wed, 13 Jul 2011 01:13:23 -0400

For all the times that have been tough and for the stresses that life can throw at us, this song reminds me to persevere and hold on:

“I’ve been there a thousand times,

I’ve felt the rain like a thousand knives.
And it hurts,
I know it hurts!
I’ve been there like a fighter plane,
Tryin’ fly my way through a hurricane.
And it’s hard,
I know it’s hard!

Don’t be afraid,
You’ll make it through,
Just call out to me and I’ll come running to you!

Hold on, hold on!
When the current pulls you under,
And your heart beats like thunder.
Just give me your hand,
And hold on, hold on!
Until the storm is over,
And I’ll be fighting for you.
Just give me your hand and,
Hold on!

I’ll give you hope, I’ll give you faith!
And if it’s dark, I’ll light the way,
For you, for you!
By your side, until the end,
Until you’re standing tall again!
I’m here, I’ll always be here.

And if the tide, sweeps you out to sea,
When your strength is gone, and it’s hard to believe!

Hold on, hold on!
When the current pulls you under,
And your heart beats like thunder!
Just give me your hand,
And hold on, hold on!
Until the storm is over.
And I’ll be fighting for you,

Just give me your hand!”

Lord, please help me to not rely on myself but on You. Help me to Hold on!!!!

Faithfulness part II

Thu, 30 Jun 2011 16:30:00 -0400

For everytime I don’t trust God and for everytime I live in doubt, this song reminds me about how God doesn’t leave us. Ultimately, it just reminded how God doesn’t change. He’s the same now as he was in the past and will be in the future. And let this be the song I sing in both joy and suffering.

“May the grace that sought my heart on that first day
Be the grace that binds my heart to stay
May the truth that opened up my eyes on that first time
Be the thoughts on my mind that never go away

For You are a lamp to my feet
A light to my path
You’re the hand that’s holding me

Faithful God, every promise kept
Every need You’ve met, Faithful God
All I am and all I’ll ever be
Is all because You love faithfully
Faithful God

May the love that caught my heart to set it free
Be the love that others see in me
And may this hope that’s reaches to the depths of human need
Be the song that I sing in joy and suffering

For you are the love that never leaves
The friend that won’t deceive
You’re the one sure thing

Faithful God, every promise kept
Every need You’ve met, Faithful God
All I am and all I’ll ever be
Is all because You love faithfully
Faithful God

How deep, how wide the love
That pierced His side, the love
Redemption’s mine, O Love that will not let me go

How deep the love (How deep, how wide the love)
How deep the love (That pierced His side, the love)
Redemption’s mine, O Love that will not let me go

How deep, how wide the love
That pierced His side, the love
Redemption’s mine, O Love that will not let me go

Faithful God, every promise kept
Every need You’ve met, Faithful God
All I am and all I’ll ever be
Is all because You love faithfully
Faithful God”

Faithfulness part I

Tue, 28 Jun 2011 16:39:52 -0400

Have you ever had that moment where you were paralyzed by fear so much to the point where you just weren’t yourself? Have you ever been broken to the point where you felt like you had no one to turn to? Have you ever felt so hopeless and so incapable that you just didn’t know what to do? This probably had to describe my emotions the past couple of days. I have to say the past couple of days have been some of the most stressful and agonizing, but also the most humbling. The more and more I think about everything that’s going on, the more I can’t believe that I’ve gotten through it all. Or rather that God has brought me through it all. During the last couple of days, I realized one thing: That as much as I say I trust in Him and believe that what He has for me is best, I see that in the hardest times, I don’t trust and just begin to trust myself. Maybe it’s because I don’t have the faith to believe that He can come through when we need it the most. Maybe it’s because it seems that He’s not answering. Maybe it’s because it just seems like everything is falling apart. But maybe the reason for all this is to build me up and to learn to trust in Him. Even though I try to shut Him out and rely on myself, He stays with us because isn’t that what love is all about? Even though it seems like He’s not there, I just forget that He’s been in my heart the entire time. The next couple of posts will be on faithfulness and different aspects of it. It’s amazing how in our hardest times is when we learn about this the most. The following is a devotional that I thought really related to me and maybe to some of you as well:

(Paraphrased from Psalm 103:11-14)

“As high as heaven is over the earth, so strong is his love to those who fear Him. And as far as sunrise is from sunset, He has separated us from our sins. As parents feel for their children, God feels for those who fear Him. He knows us inside and out, keeps in mind that we’re made of mud.”

“Broken seems to be my middle name lately. I get so tired and weary becase not only am I struggling to make it through each day, but I also am trying to put on a smile and a positive “Christian” attitude when I feel the opposite. I always thought that time of brokenness dwindled as people got older. God didn’t You plan it so we face trials once, learn from them, and then are free from going through them again? Frustrated. That is how I feel as I fight the exact same battle today that I fought a few weeks ago, a month ago, last year, or even years ago. I thought I had overcome it! If I am facing these battles repeatdly, there is obviously something else God wants me to learn. I just wish I knew what it was.

Even if I do not always understand what God is doing around me, I do understand that He always wants me to need Him. God plans it perfectly. I face a battle, I become desperate for God, and He rescuses me. Facing battles little by little is how God gently guides me through them. It is His gentle way of growing me and reminding me that I can do nothing without Him.”

“God thank you for knowing what I need. Thank you for being patient and gentle with me. Even though I sometimes forget why I need to go through battles, I always find myself thankful that You allowed them to take place. I pray that I will realize I need You just as much in the good days as in the bad. I am sorry I doubt You and Your faithfulness to me. Thank you, God, for always taking care of me.”

I know this spoke to me. I hope it speaks to You. I want to end this with a quote that has stuck with me ever since I heard it:

God is faithful even when his children are not. But that’s what makes God, God

Blessings

Tue, 21 Jun 2011 11:52:55 -0400

There was a song I was listening to on the subway today, and for some reason when I listening to it, I couldn’t help but just feel moved by what the song had to say. It was essentially reminding me of to not only take joy in our trials and sufferings, but also consider them a blessing. Too often, I become very discouraged and very worn out by everything that does goes on. And while I pray that one day everything will turn back to normal, the fact is these trials are a time of blessing. Why? Because it reveals to us not only who God is but it also develops our relationship with Him. It shows us his mercy and ultimately, it shows how much He provides. Sometimes, it’s the hardest thing to see and I’ve wanted to give up so many times, but persevering has given me more blessings than I could’ve imagined. So the question this song posed reminded me that God has something amazing planned in the midst of all the turmoil and in midst all the storms.

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Take a look at the lyrics at this song. Maybe you can relate with it. I know I certainly did, so much so that I really couldn’t help but shed a tear on the subway.

Laura Story- Blessings

“We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It’s not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise”

Patience part 3

Fri, 10 Jun 2011 11:11:36 -0400

Whenever I read the first chapter of James, I can’t help but be encouraged by the trials in my life. It’s by far one of my favorite chapters in the bible and reading it again just helps to keep on going and the reasons we go through what we go through. Although trials are an inevitable and pressing part of life, I constantly have to remember that God is building me through these trials and I have to have the patience to deal with whatever happens and continue to have the trust that God can provide. When I was going through this verse in a different lens, I saw how much it related to me and how it expressed a lot of the emotions I had about the hardest times in my life. See if it also relates to you:

(Paraphrased from James 1:2-4)

“Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well developed not deficient in any way.”

“When I read the first part of this passage where James tells us to look at trials as gifts, I want to say, Yeah, right, who do you think you are telling me to be happy about all of this bad stuff going on in my life? Forget you! You have no idea what I am going through. Do you feel the same way? At times, we might think the trials in our lives are too unbearable and we want to give up, but there is some encouragement in this passage. These trials that you and I have, as much as they stink, will develop our faith in God. Have you ever heard the phrase, ‘What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger?’ It’s true. When we persevere, the Holy Spirit promises to make us mature and complete in Him.”

“God help me through my trials. So many times I want to give you and throw in the towel. I hate going through hard times when I am hurting inside. Help me to overcome the trials going on in my life so I can become mature and complete in you.”

Patience part 2

Mon, 30 May 2011 22:57:16 -0400

It’s funny I thought after graduation I would have more time to relax, but in reality, it’s been the opposite. The past couple of weeks or so have been quite hectic, which would probably explain the fact that I haven’t written anything for a while. Anyway, I wanted to just write a quick thing about patience again because I feel like it’s something that I’m letting go yet again. I feel myself getting so impatient with so many things in my life and forgetting all the blessings I’ve been given. When I look at all the negative things and things I don’t have, I forget so easily everything I have. And I guess the aspect of my impatience that really affects me is how even if I do have something, I’m so afraid to lose it that I stress about it. But today was great in that for some reason, there was something different. My impatience and anxiety still showed, but there was something telling me that everything will be okay and that I shouldn’t worry about all that I was worrying about. The following passage really showed not only how I felt, but how we should view the challenges and obstacles that occur in our lives.

(Paraphrased from Romans 5:2-4)

“We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that He has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand- out in the wide open spaces of God’s grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise. There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next.”

“Sometimes I don’t understand what God does. He sees us getting tested from left and right, and He just watches and says, Hey, remember, it’s a gift to be challenged! This is when we need God more than ever. How are we going to see God working in our lives if we don’t let Him in ? Life is disappointing sometimes. Things might not be going our way, but during this time we must rely on the Lord. We don’t just ask Him to help us through our rough times. Patience develops as we shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with our troubles.”

“You don’t have to understand what God is doing or why He is doing it to praise Him. He sees the whole picture of our lives. Thank God for the challenges in life you are going through today. Remember who He is, even though it may seem that your entire life is falling apart. Praise Him, not for escaping trouble, but for the way He works through the darkest days we face. Praising God during good times is easy. We learn patience and faith when we thank Him for the dark days as well.”

I can relate to this so much. At times, I become so discouraged by everything that happens in life that I forget to do the most basic thing. I forget to go to God and continue to praise Him. My impatience develops again and I go through days thinking I can do this on my own. Sometimes, when there doesn’t seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel, we have to remember that He does provide for us, even if it’s by the slimmest of the margins. I forget that so easily and realize that God is just building me up for bigger things.

Graduation

Sat, 21 May 2011 00:50:00 -0400

(Not everyone of course, but some of the people I’ve gotten to know really well during my time in college)

You know it still amazes me that I’ve graduated. 2 days in my post graduation life, it seems like nothing has changed but yet everything has changed. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s finally time to move on to the next chapter in my life (as well as no more studying and cramming for exams and BSing essays :)) But it’s just so amazing how fast the past 4 years has gone by. Honestly, it seems like just yesterday that I met all my friends and that I will still this little shy boy living in UHall. There have been countless memories and experiences with not only the City but with the friends I’ve met in the city. I’ve had the amazing opportunity to share those experiences with some of the people I’ve grown closest with the past 4 years. I guess going to graduation to Wednesday made me finally realize that we will finally be separating and going our different directions (not only with friends here but friends back at home as well). However, the memories and all the time spent will never be forgetten and who knows maybe we’ll all be able reunite one day (which is the day whoever out of our friends get married first according to everyone lol) I thought this day would never come, but it finally has. I guess it’s time to move on to a new exciting chapter. What does it have in store for me? I don’t know, but whatever it is, God will be there every step of the way.

“For I know the plans for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.” - Jeremiah 29:11

Patience Part 1

Mon, 16 May 2011 02:06:56 -0400

Recently, I was able to read a few devotionals that had to do with patience. I figure it was only fitting that I would post these for the days leading up to my graduation since it does express a lot of the worries, stresses, yet beauty that will come with the next step in life. I wanted to share these devotionals since I feel that a lot of us can relate to it, whether it be because of finals, work (or finding work), etc.

The first part reflects upon a mindset that I know I’ve had a lot recently and maybe other people as well, followed by verses from the bible, and finally, something to think about.

“I don’t know about you, but waiting on God can be very frustrating. I always hear about how God answers our prayers, but I feel like I’m always waiting for answers rather than seeing results. The same goes for spending time alone with God in prayer. It sounds easy in concept, but once I actually try to be alone with God for any extended amount of time (and by extended I mean five minutes) I get restless. And that’s my dilemma. I know I am useless without the Holy Spirit’s strength and power. Through prayer I spill out my heart to God. I ask for His strength when times are hard, for patience in my prayer life, and for the rest He gives. He promises to give me all of these. I just wish the process worked a little faster.

(Paraphrased from Colossians 1:9-12)

“Be assured that from the first day we heard of you, we haven’t stopped praying for you, asking God to give you wise minds and spirits attunted to his will, and so acquire a throrugh understanding of the ways in which God works. We pray that you’ll live well for the Master, making him proud of you as you work hard in his orchard. As you learn more and more about how God works, you will learn how to do your work. We pray that you’ll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul- not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us.”

“God rarely, if ever, gives instant results. He works patiently with us and tells us to wait patiently on Him. He will give you strength, greater than any strength on earth; it’s a heavenly strength that produces patience and joy. Just wait. As you do, read through the passage on more time. What could Paul’s words be saying to you? Express yourself to God in a way that is enjoyable to you. The Holy Spirit will hear your prayer and breed strength, joy, and patience in your life.”

It’s amazing to see how much truth there is there. I can definitely see this happening word for word literally. Even though times have gotten unbelievably hard and sometimes really frustrating and hopeless, we continue to get through it because of what God provides for us. He will build us up more than we could have ever imagined. He will take us deeper than we’ve ever gone. He will let us learn so much more about what this life is about. I just need to be patient to believe that He will provide.

Bitterness

Tue, 10 May 2011 00:59:15 -0400

I guess something I’ve been experiencing the past couple of weeks or so is this undeniable source of bitterness in my heart. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly why there is so much bitterness, but I can say that it has affected me. I thought I would/had gotten rid of it, but I guess it’s sometimes so hard to truly forgive for events that have happened in our lives. I realize bitterness is something that can linger with us for quite a long time if we aren’t careful. I guess I’m constantly reminded about family and the continuing struggles that we go through and recently, I’ve just been getting more and more bitter (and sometimes even angry) toward everything that has happened and is happening. I mean I see myself complaining so much when I really shouldn’t be. I see myself having a lot of jealously in the stability (both relationship and financially) that most of the families I’ve seen have. I see myself having a lot of internal anger and just not wanting to talk to anyone. I become quite angry with not only my parents, but also God as well. We’ve been trying to endure and persevere as long as we has, yet things only seem to be getting worse and worse. What am I to do? What can one person like me do? How can I support the entire family? These have been questions that have been going rampant in my mind the past couple of weeks.

I saw myself trying to run from God the past couple of weeks and just trying to do everything on my own, thinking that there was no help out there. There was no way to overcome this when the situation looked beyond bleak and beyond repairable. There was no way to overcome all that I’ve been through and am still going through. But it’s funny how the very person I was trying to run from is the person who wants me to come back to Him. Even if I try to shut Him out, He’ll still be there because that’s what love is about. I guess I become so influenced by all the obstacles and situations around me that I fail to realize that my hope is right in front of me. I guess I forgot admist all the turmoil how fortunate I actually am. I really just need to remember the following:

“Knowing that God’s strength would get him through every difficulty, Paul actually wrote, “Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (I Corinthians 12:10) Wow! What an attitude! Paul had learned that God was always at work in his life to fulfill His promises, and to show Himself strong, and bring about good. There was no reason for bitterness in Paul’s life.

When you feel like life is giving you only heartache and pain, remember that God is still at work. See life’s difficulties and hardships not as something to run from, but as something to embrace because they lead you to a higher place. As Warren Wiersbe the great Bible scholar put it, “The bumps are what you climb on.” My friend, let God help you gain a new perspective, grow closer to Him, and deepen your faith. Grow better not bitter as God works.

Lord, there are days when the sun doesn’t seem to shine and the heaviness of what’s going on around me pulls me down. Instead of getting bitter and hateful about my circumstances, help me to see them as opportunities for You to work in me and through me and for me. Then may I rejoice.”

I really want to do what this says, but it’s so much easier said than done. All I can really do is rely on God’s strength to get me through it all.

Exams

Thu, 05 May 2011 12:08:04 -0400

It still hasn’t hit me that today is one of my last exams I’ll be taking in college. Now, exams and I aren’t the best of friends because well, I never did well on them lol, especially in any of the chemistry classes. I remember when I first changed my major to Chem education and took my first science exam in college, which was Orgo of all things, I remember how bad I did. It also hit me that I’m going to have to work my butt off, and it was a lot harder than I originally had thought it to be. But for all those countless hours of studying and disappointing exam scores to say the least, it helped to realize that the grades weren’t what was of utmost importance to me, but rather that I was doing this to continue doing what I love to do, which is teaching. Don’t get me wrong, grades are important and we should all strive to get the best grades we can, but I realized it’s not something we should constantly fret over. There’s only so much that we can do once an exam is done, and no matter what happens, the grade you get is a number at the end. And I guess above all, when an exam is done, you can’t help but feel a huge weight being lifted off of your soldiers.

For people taking exams, good luck to everyone and I hope all of you ACE them. Do the best you can and give it your all. In the end, isn’t that all we can do? We’ll let God take care of the rest.

I guess the most ironic thing about exams is after the course is done, I have a greater appreciation for what I had just learned. And well, the fact that I may be giving exams in the future haha.

This past week

Mon, 02 May 2011 02:22:07 -0400

Dang this past week has been crazy!! And it’s not even about work or anything like that. Rather, it’s about the memories and the people that God has surrounded me with. Rather, it’s about the opportunities God gives to us on a daily basis. Rather, it’s enjoying the time you have with friends while you still have it. So where to start:

1. Body Worship- I had the wonderful privilege of doing not only one performance but two performances to a hip hop collaboration of soldiers and with or without you at AACF and RCF. I have to admit at first I was a little reluctant just because I haven’t done it in such a long time plus I’m definitely not in the shape I used to be, but it was such a great time and a great performance. I guess more than anything else, I’ve just been blessed to have the opportunity to lead this body worship group for a year and seeing how much it’s grown from when we started. I don’t tell my team this nearly enough, but I’m very fortunate and beyond blessed to be able to lead this group. Seeing people try and perform things for the first time, people sacrificing their time for practices, and seeing us grow as a team was just so awesome to see. I am so lucky to not only have met the people that I’ve met through body worship, but also just having the chance to get to know them better and just glorify God together. Hopefully, we’ll be able to continue this next year, but even if I’m not, I know there are so many people who are willing, committed, and ready to lead it. I’m excited to see what will happen with this group in the future.

2. Last Small group- I did something at my last small group that I haven’t done in a very long time. I actually gave a testimony. And not just any testimony, but a testimony of what was truly going on in my life. The reason this was so important to me was that I never really share. I’m very closed (or at least used to be) and quite shy even though it doesn’t seem like it. I had this belief that I didn’t need to share what was going on in my life, nor did I want to as it always reminded me of the constant storms going on in my life. But I kept on feeling God’s pull to let me share my story even if it was just with my small group. And well, it was the first time ever that I’ve told people what was truly happening in my life. No hiding, no trying to mask things, just an opportunity to share how much God has built me up in the midst of my trials. Maybe God can use my story to bless other people, just maybe.

3. RCF senior night- It’s kind of scary knowing that you’ll be graduating soon and that this could be your last year with the people that you’ve gotten really close with. Even though I wasn’t at large group a lot the past couple of years, I still felt that I had so many close friends at RCF that it was kind of hard to comprehend leaving. And especially for those really really really close friends (you know who you are), I’ll miss you guys so much and it’s going to be sad when you guys leave. But I know that God has bigger plans for all of you wherever you go. In addition, RCF as a fellowship has been a blessing, especially with small groups. Even though it doesn’t seem like I appreciate it, I do quite a bit. I still remember going my first time as a freshmen and seeing all the memories and all the events that has happened the past 4 years, it’s just absolutely crazy. Time goes by so incredibly fast.

4. Last but not least, I had a friend who accepted Christ during the past week :) which had to have been the highlight of the week. All the things above were great, but the fact that a friend of yours has accepted Christ, I mean that’s the biggest blessing and greatest news you could hear. I still remember when I finally came to Christ, my life changed drastically. It came with a lot of hardship and struggle and honestly, it wasn’t easy. But at the end of it all, I wouldn’t give it up for anything because that’s what defines us. That is what has changed us. And ultimately, we will be seeing our heavenly father. And so to that person, I am so incredibly happy, excited, jubilant, and proud of you. I hope that this new start will mark the start of the most wonderful rebirth.

“What we do here is just the beginning

New life is starting at every ending
We are a part of the story unfolding
This is the weight of the world we are holding
this could be our day
this could be our day”

Persevering

Tue, 26 Apr 2011 00:52:12 -0400

“I stand before You, Lord

And give You all my praise
Your love is all I need
Jesus, You’re all I need

My life belongs to You
You gave Your life for me
Your grace is all I need
Jesus, You’re all I need

Hold me in Your arms
Never let me go
I wanna spend eternity with You

And now that You’re near
Everything is different
Everything’s so different, Lord
And I know I’m not the same
My life You’ve changed
And I wanna be with You
I wanna be with You

And I will sing for You always
‘Cause in Your presence God is where I wanna stay”

Have you ever had one of those days where you wanted to just give up? Have you ever had one of those days where you just didn’t want to talk to anyone for a while? You know one of those days where you needed to take a walk outside just to catch a breath. One of those days where nothing was really going right. One of those days where you were stressed out. One of those days where you want to crawl into a corner and cry. One of those days where nothing seemed to comfort you. I’m not trying to be pessimistic here or complaining (or at least I’m hoping it’s not seeming like I am), but this essentially sums up today. Just when you think things couldn’t get any worse, they somehow do get worse.

For anyone that doesn’t know, our family is going through quite a difficult time both financially as well as just keeping our family together. Unfortunately, as time has progressed, all the burden has been put on me to provide for our family as well as to somehow keep all of this together. However, I guess today it just all kind of came to a really big low. All I could see myself doing is fretting, worrying, and stressing about what I’m not able to do and all that is going on. I know we shouldn’t worry, but today I couldn’t help but do it. I just went through today hoping that the end of the day would just come. I just wanted it to be over and hope that tomorrow will bring new hope.

But through the midst of this, I realized one thing: the only thing I can hold onto is the hope, peace, and strength that God can provide despite all the obstacles. I’m not saying this is going to be over in a day or a month or even in years, but having faith and trusting in God is really the only thing I have left to do. There’s really not much else I could do at this point, but give it all to Him. God tells me to continue fighting even though there’s not much left. But I guess this is the time to come to God more than ever. Like they always say, it’s at the bleakest of times when your faith grows by leaps and bounds. But even still, it’s hard and much easier said than done. All I can do is cling onto the hope God gives me.

All i can do is go to God. I don’t want to leave because now that you’re near everything is indeed different. Hold me in your arms. Never let me go. I want to be with you.

Even when your hearts been broken, He’ll be there with arms wide open. Be strong and His love will lead you to fight another day. I hope God will give me the strength to continue to persevere and fight.

Happy Easter!!!!

Sun, 24 Apr 2011 15:22:00 -0400

Happy Day- Steve Fee

The greatest day in history
Death is beaten
You have rescued me
Sing it out
Jesus is alive

Empty cross
And empty grave
Life eternal
You have won the day
Shout it out
Jesus is alive
He’s alive

Oh happy day
Happy day
You wash my sin away
Oh happy day
Happy day
I’ll never be the same
Oh no
Forever I am changed

When I stand in that place
Free at last
Meeting face to face
I am Yours
Jesus you are mine

Endless joy and perfect peace
Earthly pain finally will cease
Celebrate, Jesus is alive
Yeah, He’s alive

[Repeat Chorus]

And oh, what a glorious day
What a glorious way
That you have saved me
And oh, what a glorious day
What a glorious name, yeah

Oh happy day
Happy day
You wash my sin away
Oh happy day
Happy day
I’ll never be the same
Oh happy day
Happy day
You wash my sin away
Oh happy day
Happy day
I’ll never be the same
Oh no
Forever I am changed
What a glorious, glorious day
I’ll never be the same

All Because of Jesus- Steve Fee

“giver of every breath I breathe
author of all eternity
giver of every perfect thing
to you be the glory

maker of heaven and of earth
no one can comprehend your worth
king over all the universe
to you be the glory

I’m alive because i’m alive in You

it’s all because of Jesus I’m alive
it’s all because the blood of Jesus Christ
that cover’s me and raised this dead man’s life
it’s all because of Jesus I’m alive

every sunrise sings Your praise
the universe cries out your praise
i’m singing freedom all my days
now that I’m alive”

I believe these 2 songs really embody what Easter is about. To celebrate the amazing resurrection of our Lord and Savior. When this happened, it’s amazing how everything changed not only for us personally but for the entire world. Thank you for overcoming death and giving us new life!!

Work

Wed, 20 Apr 2011 22:06:51 -0400

I have to say this past week and the rest of the week has been one of the craziest weeks work wise I have been through. We’re talking close to a 70 hour work week and that’s just teaching and tutoring!!! But I guess there’s a couple of things that I’ve learned in the midst of this week: To keep preservering and fighting with God’s strength and ultimately showing me that I really love what I do. I remember at first how reluctant I was to even switch to teaching because it’s not the highest paying job nor is it I guess the most glamorous of positions. But to me, this is what I feel like God’s calling is to me and I couldn’t be more thankful that He’s called me to do this.

You know they say if you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life. Well, I’ve been given the wonderful blessing of figuring out what that is and it’s certainly teaching. To me, even though I may be tired, stressed, and struggling, work can sometimes be a solace from everything that is happening in my life (Since when have you ever heard that?). And despite the fact that there are so many uncertainities about my future such as my ability to find a job or where I’m going to be, I have to remain and trust God in where to put Him because He knows me best. I get so unbelievably impatient not knowing what’s going to happen or if anything is going to happen. Sometimes, I wish God would tell me the answer to my stresses and burning questions. But it’s the hard times in which we trust God the most. It’s the hard times where we learn about God and grow the most. It’s the hard times where God blesses us and teaches us the most about ourselves.

There was a QT I read a couple of days ago and it just struck me because it unbelievably mimicked how I felt in my spiritual life. The first part is a paraphrased version of verses in Hebrews, followed by a short anecdote, and finally ended by a prayer.

Hebrews 12:7-11 (Paraphrased)

“God is educating you; that’s why you must never drop out. He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training, the normal experience of children!!!! Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays of handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.”

Anecdote

“Sometimes my relationship with God feels a lot like this. He throws a curveball at me to teach me something, and I instantly panic. I feel like a child being drug into the corner to think about what just happened. I fight, scream, and dig my heels to the ground, all the while forgetting that God knows what is best for me. He is in control. I just need to learn to stop digging my heels into the ground and follow His lead.”

Prayer

Lord, I pray that I will always remember who is in total control of my life. I pray that You will help me surrender to your will. Even if You take me in a direction I don’t want to go, even if there is pain involved, even if I feel powerless, do not let me resist Your plan for my life. Help me turn loose even of things I can control and let them rest in Your hands. Thank you for molding me into the person You want me to be.”

God IS doing what is best for us. Problem is I don’t always listen. I don’t always have the patience to wait. I don’t trust Him enough. I want to do things my way. But He’s given me so much even though I don’t have a lot. There’s a lot of things I have to fight for just to make sure that our entire family is okay. But through it all, there are so many things I have been given that are just intangible, so many things that couldn’t have been taught otherwise.

So this won’t be another prayer about how much I complain or the reasons why I’m stressed. Because at the end of it all, we are His story. We are his song. A beautiful melody that shows the world His love. When we’re on this journey, when we’re on this road, we are a part of the greatest story ever told.

Getting through

Mon, 11 Apr 2011 01:13:00 -0400

“Con mis manos levantadas hacia el cielo
Me presento ante ti hoy mi señor
Para recibir de ti la fuerza y el poder
Para vivir junto a ti

Llenas hoy mi corazón con tu presencia
Llenas de alegría y paz todo mi ser
De cualquier necesidad tú me responderás
Porque me amas, me amas”

(Translated)

“With my hands raised to the sky

I present me before you today my Lord

In order to receive from You the strength and power

To live together with you

You fill my heart with your presence

You fill me completely with happiness and peace

Whatever I need, you will respond to me

Because you love me, you love me”

This week was one of those weeks that I was so glad to be done with. Exams, work, and a teacher certification week made this week a very draining week to say the least. Yet, I’ve realized a couple of things throughout the craziness that was this week. The first is that I don’t have to rely solely on myself and second God will always somehow provide the strength for all of us to get through anything that may come in life.

I was a person who often went through and kept things to himself. I wouldn’t tell anyone about my weeks or how incredibly burdened I was at times. I don’t know what it was, but I always had this feeling that I was on my own. Well, I learned that we don’t have to go through the hard times in our lives alone. It’s ok to share your burdens with other people. I guess I always had this mindset that I didn’t want to be a burden to other people or I just didn’t want to make it seem like I was complaining all the time. However, sharing our hardships with our fellow brothers and sisters, if anything, builds that relationship even further. It’s funny how that took me 4 years of college to finally even begin to learn that.

But ultimately, I learned that God somehow does provide the strength for us to get through our craziness. Even when we don’t believe He will, He gives you exactly what you need to get through whatever obstacle. That’s what the above song reminded me of. I have a God who is not only willing to listen to me, but provide me with strength and happiness like no other. If that doesn’t show us God’s love, then I don’t know what will. Honestly, those lyrics above are really simple but truly embodies what God has been doing in my life and everyone else’s as well, no matter what we are going through. Where it really helped me was when I was stressing out not only about what I knew I had to do, but the results even after I was done with my tests and exams. Not knowing about the future just gives me this sense of fear because I want to know everything. I don’t want to be surprised, but isn’t it ironic that when we are surprised the most, we see God’s amazingness the most. That’s why I’m thankful God is providing me with more and more peace because that’s what helping me to get through everything even though so many things are unsettled.

I guess at the end of it all I have to remember this: “When we come to God, we make requests; we don’t make demands. We come with high hopes and a humble heart. We state what we want, but we pray for what is right. And if God doesn’t give us what we necessarily want, we accept it because we know “God will always give what is right to his people.”

Run

Mon, 04 Apr 2011 01:03:00 -0400

“Stoplights, breakdown, we cry, last try

Worlds collide, time to decide
Where you want to go in this great big world
Where you want to go in this great big world

Stuck here too long in this sad song
Lost on a street, everyone has
Vanished and you’re all alone
But you don’t know where to go
Yeah you’re all alone
And you want to go home

(CHORUS)
Run just as fast as you can
Run, ‘til you reach the end
Where the fallen finally land
And your world starts over again
Run

Next page, new day, finding my way
Stumble upon the strength to move on
I am not alone in this great big world
And you are not alone in this great big world

(CHORUS)
Run just as fast as you can
Run, ‘til you reach the end
Where the fallen finally land
And your world starts over again
Run

Run now don’t you look back
Run towards the light straight ahead
Where the lost souls make a beautiful sound
And new life is finally found
Run”

This week is going to be one of those weeks where you look at what you have and you’re already beginning to dread it. Just looking at the sheer amount that’s on my plate in addition to extreme exhaustion is not a great combination. There’s that part of me that just wants to not care and squeak by. However, one thing I always notice about myself is how when I look at all I have to do, it becomes too much. It feels like I’m being crushed by all these burdens, just constantly waiting for everything to be done.

When life seems too much and you just want to get away from it all, I’m beginning to just understand that I can run to my Savior, my Lord, and my Father. Just resting in his arms and running to a person who can protect you makes all the difference in the world. It just reminds me of how a child will run to their parents if they ever are scared or in danger.

Too often, I feel like I am alone in this world and that I have no one to turn to. Maybe this is the perfect opportunity to run to God and depend on Him rather than myself. That I’ll get through each day through God’s strength, not mine. Ultimately, coming to God has let me take life day by day and to trust Him for the strength and peace to get through the craziness that is each day. With each new day, I am trying to find my way and Stumble upon the strength to move on. I need to remember I am not alone in this great big world, that I truly am not alone in this great big world.

No matter how crazy, hectic, or hopeless life gets, let me remember that:

“His is a joy which consequences cannot quench. His is a peace which circumstances cannot steal.”